dedicated to you only

2012-02-10T18:31:00.001+08:00

This is my idea, this is my plan.

If he's making you sad, i'll be the jerk to make you go back and confide in him.

At the end, you'll still be happier.
I want you to be happy.
I always wanted you to be happy.

2012-02-08T05:30:00.002+08:00

5.32am

Can't sleep.
Usual reason.

You realised I am not texting you much,
nor talking to you on facebook.
Or even just talking to you.

Yes, I've got to the point where I got so heartbroken,
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

You have better things to do than to entertain someone like me.
Holding on for lost love.

So why don't you go get the best out of your life?
Just let me depreciate slowly.

I'll get used to it, becoming nothing but just.

2012-02-06T11:32:00.001+08:00

The reason why I'm so angry is because,

I know I can treat you better.
I know I love you more.
But you still chose the other guy.

2012-02-06T03:33:00.002+08:00

What is love?

Makes me laugh just thinking about how stupid I am to keep loving you, when you've already moved on and having a happier life that doesn't involve me.

Why can't I just push everything aside?
Sometimes I wish I weren't such a sucker for love.

I can do everything for you,
but when everything ended,
that sucker still do what he does.

I'm stupid for loving you.
And I still do.

Fuck.

2012-01-30T02:07:00.002+08:00

Somehow when you asked me about that song, All my Life.
It reminded me the past again.

And now thinking how you're gonna refer those characters to you and him,
made me cry on the spot, again.

2012-01-30T00:05:00.002+08:00

I try to contact you less when I don't see you,
because I know you don't need my constant nonsense nor advice.

I'm always there though.

Trying not to show because it's the new year, a new life for you.
Valentine's day is coming too, why would I spoil your mood for your new-found love?

I still, think about you every. single. day.

2012-01-29T01:31:00.000+08:00

With that,

I'm still dying slowly.
Fuck the heart, why can't you listen to me?

2012-01-18T22:14:00.002+08:00

I fell down today while longboarding.
It hurts of course, there was nothing to cushion me, just hard concrete.

It just came to my mind that, everytime you almost fall, i would be your trampoline, and try to bring you up again.
I would still be, and always be. But the sad and stupid thing is, there's no one there to catch my fall.

So I'll just keep falling and falling, hurting and hurting,
at the same time, protecting you from hurting yourself.

And at the same time, you don't feel the hurt,
you don't understand how painful it is,
and you'll never understand.

I'll still be your trampoline, to bring you up when you're down, to stand by you all these while.

2012-01-18T22:13:00.002+08:00

Baby, please don't blame my temper.
I've been trying to keep myself sane for the past couple of months.
Any ordinary guy would go crazy after experiencing what I've felt.

I'm trying my best, please give in to me.

2012-01-18T16:07:00.001+08:00

And slowly, silently, dying without letting you know.
One day i might just disappear, leaving everything behind.

It hurts my heart so bad, especially this time.

2012-01-16T09:09:00.001+08:00

Looking at my friends and you,
Who all got the move on easily.

Why can't those people be me?
Why does it look so easy to them, like it's nothing in the first place?

Or maybe I'm just one of the old fashioned lovers, unable to catch up to the modern ways, and still believe in first love.

2012-01-16T00:00:00.003+08:00

Why am I not getting better?
How does it work?
Why am I still thinking?
Why not moving on?

Why is it so strong to me, but nothing to you anymore?
I. Just. Don't. Understand.

2012-01-13T18:51:00.004+08:00

Nothing beats chillin' alone by the lake.

Crazy stuff all in my head that I try to stop thinking about.

Tears dry up fast as the wind carass my face.

Where are you?
How is it? Are you having fun?
I wish you are here, by my side.

2012-01-13T04:51:00.001+08:00

4.37am

Even I'm used to the quiet life of Singapore in Jurong.

When everyone at this timing is sleeping or just waking up to prepare for work, some idiot is already up and out. Sitting on a random bench at the park.

But is he doing good for himself? No.
He's remininscing about the past, crying about the present, and hoping for the future.

Should I stop, should I stay?
Am I making things harder for you, babe?

Did he sworn to take care of you after I left you in his hands?
Will he travel all the way just to find you, just to see your face?
Will he look after you when you're sick?
Will he drop everything he's doing to answer your call?
Will he wake up in the middle of the night, to remind you that it's cold?

Cliche, but I just want the best for you.
Things that I can't do anymore.

I still do all these things, it just makes you sad because it's me instead of him.

2012-01-12T08:25:00.003+08:00

All I need now is a miracle, that would make you realise that,
I'm always here, and will always be.

So you would come back to me, and lean on my support again.

Silently crying at the stairs now,
thinking of things I shouldn't,
and trying and trying to stop.

Seven months after we broke up.
How long more, eight, nine, ten.
twelve, twenty-four, thirty-six.

Please.

2012-01-03T23:23:00.001+08:00

I feel so sad and depressed all the time.
The sight of you, made me so happy.

But I try to keep away from you all the time, so you won't find me a burden.
When I'm all alone, you came to me.
You really have the power to bring me up and down.

Please don't abuse that power.
Because, someone here is suffering, for you.

2012-01-03T12:41:00.002+08:00

Nowadays, I always cry for no reason.
I'm becoming the people I always make fun of.

Now I understand how they feel.

2012-01-03T01:55:00.002+08:00

3.36am

Woke up drenched in sweat. Hyperventilating.
School starts tomorrow.

I'm trying to sleep.
I haven't been sleeping much for the past two weeks.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.
FUCK EVERY SINGLE SHIT.

2012-01-03T01:49:00.001+08:00

The pictures you take with him.
Drowns my heart so badly.

I really want to end my life right now.
Prevent myself from seeing all these.

I hate myself for being so weak.
I hate myself for being in love.
I hate love.

Why did it do this to me?
Why?

If life just ended here for me,
it would just be so wonderful.

2012-01-02T23:10:00.001+08:00

I'm sick of crying and hiding my face in class.
I've been bottling it and telling no one, because nobody understands.

Or maybe, nobody tries to.

2012-01-02T23:08:00.001+08:00

As I sat at the empty park.
Great sadness overwhelmed me and I cried my heart out.

I thought I can go through this strong and steady.
But why?

All the time.

2012-01-02T03:29:00.001+08:00

My heart feels heavy still,
after all this time.

6 long and tiring months.
It doesn't get any better.
Why?

I'm trying, I'm still trying.

You are the first girl I fell for, hard.
And now, I'm experiencing the pain of falling for you.

If you ever come back to me, I'll forgive you, and take all the blame.

2012-01-02T02:12:00.002+08:00

Alone, in the new year.

That's my new year for you.
That's my life probably.

Perhaps I'll always stay this way, no motivation, no goals, nothing.
Maybe.

Because trying to do what you requested, is getting harder and harder.

2011-12-30T13:56:00.002+08:00

It's hard trying to hide my tears from you.

I'm trying my best.

I try not to have contact with you as much as possible, so you won't feel awkward.
I try to text you less and keep it short, just so you won't feel like you're wasting your time.
I try to talk less in front of you, so you won't be angry at the things that come out from my mouth.

Because I want you to be happy, and not worry about me doing this and that.
Seems like you're doing a good job.

But it's not so easy over here.
I'm way over my limit long ago.
Who knows what will happen?

I hope this will all be over soon.

2011-12-30T02:51:00.002+08:00

I, so much,
want to embrace you.

I really want to let you know, I miss you so much.
And I do, still love you so.

Anything you want me to do, I'll do it.

I'll do anything, just for you to come back.

2011-12-30T02:50:00.001+08:00

No point blogging.

But, this is the only place where it's safe for me.
My sanctuary of thoughts.
Nobody agrees with these thoughts, or supports it.

I've no choice but to put them here.

2011-12-28T12:49:00.002+08:00

No matter how hard I try to ignore it.
No matter how painful it is to forget it.
No matter how crazy it is to pretend.

It always gets me, in some way or another.

2011-12-25T15:25:00.003+08:00

I don't get it.
How much people can do for love.
And how painful love can treat you back.

Yet, I'm doing everything to get love back.

What is wrong with humans?

2011-12-25T00:07:00.001+08:00

And I thought Christmas is a place to be,
more than hanging up the Christmas tree.

But my Christmas is not all that great.
If I can choose, the greatest gift is still, you.

2011-12-25T00:06:00.001+08:00

I was once your dream.
Then the nightmares came.

Now the nightmares are gone, and took you with them.
I'm left all alone, with nothing but a dream.

2011-12-20T05:08:00.002+08:00

I miss you so much.
And I still cry for you all night.

But I can't tell you all these,
so you'll think I'm already over you.

I just hope I can be less of your worries.
And let you embrace your other half.

Who knows the future, who knows, who knows?

2011-12-17T14:45:00.004+08:00

Love is never a waste.

People around me are always talking about me wasting my time and it's not worth it. They are probably not talking about unconditional love, and had probably never experienced it. The sad thing is that this kind of thinking is quite common, and generally encouraged. People think it’s “smart” to focus on what they can “get out of” a relationship, and if they aren’t “getting enough” then it’s a waste of time.

I never thought it was a waste of time loving you, then and now.

I'm sorry I've never given you unconditional love, because it's basically impossible.
I'm imperfect. You are too.

But I've never met someone who fit into all my conditions and take it hard as much as you did.
Nor seen another girl besides family, cried so hard for me, got angry at me, all because of that thing called love.

Because of that thing called love, I became overly-protective.
Fear and trust.

I put myself in your shoes too.
If someone was always worried about you and always judging every little thing you do, and panicking over seemingly tiny thing.
Would you want to spend more time with them or less?

That's the case with me.
But a pity that my love only goes one way, of course there is fear and little trust.
And I kept doing it again and again until one day finally it snaps me.

I am trying to let you go now. Hurt is immense yes, but what else is there for me?
I only have this thinking to keep me going on, thinking that, one magic day, you'll come back for me.

I'll wait, and wait.

I'm so sorry.
And yes, I'll always love you, always be there, and appear, whenever you need me.

2011-12-17T13:58:00.001+08:00

I am the most useless, son-of-a-bitch, asshole motherfucker.
I'm a jerk and I suck.

That's the problem with me.

2011-12-17T11:38:00.002+08:00

What is wrong with me!

Smack wide awake even after a long night.
Fast beating heart, heavy panting.

Here I am thinking, why haven't you reply to me yet?

2011-12-16T18:00:00.001+08:00

Everyday I grief about what I've lost.
You are within reach, but I can never get you back.

Thinking of how happy you are with your new guy, doesn't make me happy at all.
It just lets me think that all hope is lost and I have no more reason to go on.

2011-12-16T17:42:00.001+08:00

Pain and suffering to the heart.

Oh how unbearable.

Things you will never understand, how a man, loves his woman so deep.

2011-12-16T17:26:00.002+08:00

I miss you, but I can't call you.
I miss you, but I can't see you.

I know you still care, but I just want you back.

I tried to leave, but what will happen if I leave you behind?
I can't do it.

I will never want to see those eyes of yours, tear again.

2011-12-16T00:44:00.001+08:00

Chaos happening all around me. Yet I can do nothing, but crash and burn at your feet.

2011-12-15T21:33:00.001+08:00

Baby turn off that frown.

Wipe off your face.

You know I'm weak to it.

I just want to be close to you.

2011-12-14T19:54:00.000+08:00

There was a boy, a very strange enchanted boy.

They say he wandered very far, very far, over land and sea.
A little shy and sad of eye, but very wise was he.
And then one day, one magic day he came my way
And while we spoke of many things, fools and kings

This he said to me: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return"

2011-12-14T19:31:00.001+08:00

Aimlessly walking around again.

What more can I do?

I need to get my mind off you.

2011-12-14T16:46:00.000+08:00

Why am I trembling?

What is this fear I'm having?

Fear of losing you, forever, and ever.

2011-12-14T00:15:00.005+08:00

4:00 AM is way too early.

I slept again with the lights turned on.

This routine's been going on for too long.

I feel lost and it's all my fault.

I feel lonely, wanna call you up.

Knowing all this has got to stop.

I'm disturbed and I refused to see.

I still can't accept it.

Help.

2011-12-13T13:43:00.000+08:00

When you lift someone up,

don't just immediately slam him down.

The hurt will eventually cause sadness, and then anger.

2011-12-13T09:53:00.002+08:00

Picture you holding a balloon, floating up slowly.

But what you did was to yank the string so I dashed straight down again.

Hit the floor, and burst.

2011-12-12T23:38:00.003+08:00

The moment I see it, it goes back to square one.

I was happy, but now it's like a 10 metre-high plunge.

Totally disastrous to my mood.

And you don't have time for me to stop me from thinking.

2011-12-12T23:25:00.001+08:00

Thanks for making my day.

And making me go on.

For you I will walk the ends.

For you I will wait till the end of time.

2011-12-12T03:09:00.003+08:00

When sadness was the sea, you taught me how to swim.

But I never see the end of the vast expanse of the sea.

How long more can I stay, swimming?

2011-12-11T19:16:00.003+08:00

The only time when I can see you during the weekends is through the bus ride home.

And you reject, reject, and reject.

Do you have any idea how really tiring it has been for me through the weekends?

And the only salvation is just to see you?

What do you understand?

You say you will help, from what I'm seeing, no.

No. No. No.

You are not.

2011-12-11T15:00:00.004+08:00

When I say that you are always on my mind, I do not just say it as a passing remark.

Literally, the moment I just woke up, your face pops right up into my mind.

When I'm walking, the thought of holding your hands, just comes up.

When I'm sitting down, embracing you is what I'm really thinking about.

When I'm eating, the moments when we share our food and tease each other's mouths.

When I'm watching a movie alone in the theatres, how fun it is for us to laugh together if you're beside me, then we kiss each other's lips, and just smile.

When I'm hanging out with friends, all I can think of is, I wish you are here, to be with me, talk with my friends and let me show off our love, deep and strong to our jealous friends.

When I'm sad and sitting alone, oh how i really wish for you to be here, give me a rub on the back, and kiss my forehead, saying everything is ok, I'm here now.

When I'm sick, I was wondering if you would call and ask if I'm okay, and head over to my place to put wet cloth over my head and feed me my pills.

When I'm lying on my bed, I just want to embrace the moment of us ending the day together, and let you lie on my chest, and I'll run my fingers through your hair when you sleep.

Now I'm all alone, suffering this pain so strong.

All these happy memories became the nightmares of my life.

I don't really believe in your power, god.

But if you would show me, the way out of this mess, if you love everyone just as much like what people said.

Please, save me from this.

2011-12-11T14:22:00.001+08:00

What's a better way to face it?

I've tried everything. Nothing works.

Why do I have a mentality like a girl's?

Why can't I just be like a jerk and forget everything in one night?

2011-12-11T13:13:00.000+08:00

It just keeps getting worse and worse every damn time.

To make it a disaster, the holidays are coming.

I won't be seeing you.

2011-12-10T22:07:00.002+08:00

Looking at the eclipse of the moon,

hoping to see the clear dark sky with you.

But it's impossible, is it?

2011-12-10T01:26:00.001+08:00

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Help me, please.

2011-12-09T20:22:00.002+08:00

Either my brain is really thinking a bit too much.

Or my body can't take it.

Either way, I think I'm dying soon.

2011-12-09T00:43:00.002+08:00

Every night i cry and longed for you, hoping you would hear my cries.

Like a lone wolf howling at the moon.

2011-12-08T22:16:00.000+08:00

The moment we parted ways,

hurt starts to find it's way back into my heart.

I'm totally powerless without you.

2011-12-08T00:28:00.002+08:00

Now it came to the point where I'm all alone now.

No support, no strings, no safety.

Just a wrong step and I'm dead.

2011-12-07T22:58:00.003+08:00

As I lie on the bed, while waiting for your text.

Tears simply rolled down my cheeks, again.

2011-12-07T22:41:00.002+08:00

Sometimes it pains me so much, which makes me feel like leaving everything behind and giving up.

But you told me you still need me, to be your pillar.

I wonder how long will it take for your pillar to crumble?

2011-12-07T22:16:00.002+08:00

Yes.

I feel me dying and crashing in to a pit of the worst sufferings that the heart can take.

Which means you are probably gonna be okay and better.

That's instinct.

2011-12-07T22:08:00.002+08:00

I want to stop feeling like this.

I want to feel normal like everyone else.

Nothing seems to interest me, seems to keep me up.

It just keeps getting worse, and worse.

When will I finally..

2011-12-07T22:04:00.000+08:00

Everything will eventually go well for you.

Tomorrow will always be a better day.

Not for me.

2011-12-07T22:01:00.002+08:00

Those 30 minutes when you left me alone.

Felt like an eternity of heartaches until you came back.

2011-12-06T23:15:00.001+08:00

As tears engulfed my eyes.
All I thought was leaving for your happiness.

I scream out, crying.
Because it means I'm giving up my love, which is the only thing keeping me going.

2011-12-06T22:42:00.001+08:00

You don't want to tell me, because you're afraid of hurting me further.
But I know, the source of your problems, is me.

2011-12-06T22:36:00.001+08:00

I'm not okay.
Having to bring a smile up my face, is really hard.
I could do it when you're around me, naturally.

But sometimes, I do it because you won't be sad.

2011-12-06T17:58:00.000+08:00

I am the one eagerly waiting, eagerly beside,
and eagerly standing by.

But I am not the one you wish to see.

2011-12-06T10:11:00.003+08:00

What the hell is wrong with me?
What the fuck am I trying to do?

What was I thinking?
Totally no mood for anything now.

Millions of things on my mind.
If I manage to type all my thoughts here,
blogger would crash.

2011-12-06T09:27:00.000+08:00

I'm not angry at you,
I'm angry at myself for stooping down to such level,
To deceive myself, to deceive my brain.

So that I won't feel that much hurt.

2011-12-06T01:50:00.002+08:00

My tears roll down over the simplest of things.
From your raised voice, down to writing a goodnight message.

How weak can a man be due to love?

2011-12-05T16:51:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I really wish you would find me and comfort my heart.
But that's too much to ask for.

2011-12-05T16:26:00.001+08:00

Who can give me the strength to carry on?

2011-12-05T07:05:00.000+08:00

Silly girl,
how can i stay strong knowing that my love is in another guy's hand?

2011-12-05T00:04:00.001+08:00

I have no idea if I'm jealous, envious, or angry.
Maybe all of them.

2011-12-04T23:41:00.002+08:00

Everything you do, I don't know why,
even the silliest of things, are so attractive.

Fuck.

2011-12-04T20:06:00.000+08:00

You'll never understand my sorrow.
Like how the day doesn't understand the night.
Like how the blazing sun doesn't understand the imperfect moon.

2011-12-04T19:32:00.000+08:00

Do you treat my worries as something invalid, unimportant and uncalled for?

2011-12-04T18:02:00.003+08:00

Let's say.

You still have total control of my life.
You can play me like a puppet,
Hurt me like a voodoo,
Decorate me as a blythe,
String me like a marionette
Or throw me away like an unused toy.

I still won't forget, the day when we first met.
And how we progressed till this.

2011-12-04T16:24:00.002+08:00

Somewhere out there, you're having fun.
Somewhere out there, you're experiencing love.
Somewhere out there, you're living it.

Over here, I'm waiting.

2011-12-04T15:51:00.001+08:00

Movies and magazines,
Filling our heads with dreams.
Love is the littlest things.
Love changes everything.

2011-12-04T15:40:00.003+08:00

I'm working my way back to you.
With a burning love inside.
With a happiness, that died.

When you were so in love with me
I played around like I was free
Thought I could have my cake and eat it too
Oh how I cried over losing you.

But I ain't about to go living my life without you.

2011-12-04T13:38:00.003+08:00

Love is truely powerful.
It brought me to my knees.
It makes my eyes drained of tears.
It manipulated my thoughts.
It stabs my heart, repeatingly telling me, I am wrong.

Why I still chose love, I have no idea why.
Maybe I'm just so stupid.

2011-12-04T03:08:00.002+08:00

In my theatre, you play every part.

The mermaid,
The dreamweaver,
The poet,
The artist,
The princess,
Everything.

Even the trees.
Because, you, are my world.

2011-12-04T00:04:00.000+08:00

You are my life, my heart, my strength.
When you're gone, who's there for me?

2011-12-03T12:18:00.000+08:00

You were the reason for our conversation.
Now that you are gone, its no longer valid.

That's why, don't just ignore me.
It may seem nothing to you,
to me it is everything.

2011-12-03T11:26:00.002+08:00

While pricks eject themselves from my heart,
bigger stabs go through them.

Leaving me bleeding out.

2011-12-03T00:23:00.002+08:00

When we're talking, I try to talk a lot, to keep you entertained, to keep you talking.
To keep you smiling, to let you know someone else still cares.

But when our conversation ends, it just goes back to square one.

2011-12-02T23:39:00.001+08:00

Intensity is engulfing the whole me.
Let me be there for you.

2011-12-02T22:53:00.002+08:00

I'll stand by you.
I'll follow you everywhere you want me to.
If you ask me to stop, I'll stop.
If you ask me to stay, I'll stay.
If you need me there, I'll be there.

If only you feel the same.

2011-12-02T09:40:00.000+08:00

No idea what happened.
I just feel all these sadness early in the morning.

2011-12-02T00:00:00.002+08:00

First time, after so many years.
I cried to dad. I cried about my problems.
I cried about everything.

2011-12-01T23:19:00.000+08:00

I'm just a fragment of memory of your past life.
But to me, you ARE my life.

That's why it's hard, and it hurts.

2011-12-01T20:58:00.002+08:00

Everything I see, doesn't appeal to me, totally.
The only thing is you.
Yet I see someone else holding your heart.

I try to man up,
I try to accept,
I try to go along,
I try to forget.

I can't. I tried.

2011-12-01T18:59:00.001+08:00

You really don't know how I feel, do you?
Same here, all I know is, you're the one keeping me going,
Keeping me happy,
Keeping me who I am.

2011-12-01T10:39:00.001+08:00

Everytime I look at our ring.
I remember the times when we first started.

2011-11-30T19:34:00.000+08:00

Time travels slow for me, which means more suffering, more pain.
Time travels fast for you, because you are enjoying yourself with him.

I hate how my heart works,
and I hate myself.

If only, if only.

2011-11-30T16:40:00.001+08:00

Every time I look at you, I just felt like crying.
That's probably the reason you don't always see me looking at you.
And when you look at me, I have to force my tears back in.
Still hurts me alot, even though I look okay.

2011-11-30T00:35:00.002+08:00

My heart aches when the message is sent.
All I can do is only wait, and wait, and wait.

Please give me the strength to carry on.

2011-11-29T23:30:00.001+08:00

The pain is unbearable, but what else is there for me?