Somehow when you asked me about that song, All my Life.
It reminded me the past again.

And now thinking how you're gonna refer those characters to you and him,
made me cry on the spot, again.

I try to contact you less when I don't see you,
because I know you don't need my constant nonsense nor advice.

I'm always there though.

Trying not to show because it's the new year, a new life for you.
Valentine's day is coming too, why would I spoil your mood for your new-found love?

I still, think about you every. single. day.

With that,

I'm still dying slowly.
Fuck the heart, why can't you listen to me?

I fell down today while longboarding.
It hurts of course, there was nothing to cushion me, just hard concrete.

It just came to my mind that, everytime you almost fall, i would be your trampoline, and try to bring you up again.
I would still be, and always be. But the sad and stupid thing is, there's no one there to catch my fall.

So I'll just keep falling and falling, hurting and hurting,
at the same time, protecting you from hurting yourself.

And at the same time, you don't feel the hurt,
you don't understand how painful it is,
and you'll never understand.

I'll still be your trampoline, to bring you up when you're down, to stand by you all these while.

Baby, please don't blame my temper.
I've been trying to keep myself sane for the past couple of months.
Any ordinary guy would go crazy after experiencing what I've felt.

I'm trying my best, please give in to me.

And slowly, silently, dying without letting you know.
One day i might just disappear, leaving everything behind.

It hurts my heart so bad, especially this time.

Looking at my friends and you,
Who all got the move on easily.

Why can't those people be me?
Why does it look so easy to them, like it's nothing in the first place?

Or maybe I'm just one of the old fashioned lovers, unable to catch up to the modern ways, and still believe in first love.

Why am I not getting better?
How does it work?
Why am I still thinking?
Why not moving on?

Why is it so strong to me, but nothing to you anymore?
I. Just. Don't. Understand.

Nothing beats chillin' alone by the lake.

Crazy stuff all in my head that I try to stop thinking about.

Tears dry up fast as the wind carass my face.

Where are you?
How is it? Are you having fun?
I wish you are here, by my side.

4.37am

Even I'm used to the quiet life of Singapore in Jurong.

When everyone at this timing is sleeping or just waking up to prepare for work, some idiot is already up and out. Sitting on a random bench at the park.

But is he doing good for himself? No.
He's remininscing about the past, crying about the present, and hoping for the future.

Should I stop, should I stay?
Am I making things harder for you, babe?

Did he sworn to take care of you after I left you in his hands?
Will he travel all the way just to find you, just to see your face?
Will he look after you when you're sick?
Will he drop everything he's doing to answer your call?
Will he wake up in the middle of the night, to remind you that it's cold?

Cliche, but I just want the best for you.
Things that I can't do anymore.

I still do all these things, it just makes you sad because it's me instead of him.

All I need now is a miracle, that would make you realise that,
I'm always here, and will always be.

So you would come back to me, and lean on my support again.

Silently crying at the stairs now,
thinking of things I shouldn't,
and trying and trying to stop.

Seven months after we broke up.
How long more, eight, nine, ten.
twelve, twenty-four, thirty-six.

Please.

I feel so sad and depressed all the time.
The sight of you, made me so happy.

But I try to keep away from you all the time, so you won't find me a burden.
When I'm all alone, you came to me.
You really have the power to bring me up and down.

Please don't abuse that power.
Because, someone here is suffering, for you.

Nowadays, I always cry for no reason.
I'm becoming the people I always make fun of.

Now I understand how they feel.

3.36am

Woke up drenched in sweat. Hyperventilating.
School starts tomorrow.

I'm trying to sleep.
I haven't been sleeping much for the past two weeks.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.
FUCK EVERY SINGLE SHIT.

The pictures you take with him.
Drowns my heart so badly.

I really want to end my life right now.
Prevent myself from seeing all these.

I hate myself for being so weak.
I hate myself for being in love.
I hate love.

Why did it do this to me?
Why?

If life just ended here for me,
it would just be so wonderful.

I'm sick of crying and hiding my face in class.
I've been bottling it and telling no one, because nobody understands.

Or maybe, nobody tries to.

As I sat at the empty park.
Great sadness overwhelmed me and I cried my heart out.

I thought I can go through this strong and steady.
But why?

All the time.

My heart feels heavy still,
after all this time.

6 long and tiring months.
It doesn't get any better.
Why?

I'm trying, I'm still trying.

You are the first girl I fell for, hard.
And now, I'm experiencing the pain of falling for you.

If you ever come back to me, I'll forgive you, and take all the blame.

Alone, in the new year.

That's my new year for you.
That's my life probably.

Perhaps I'll always stay this way, no motivation, no goals, nothing.
Maybe.

Because trying to do what you requested, is getting harder and harder.