It's hard trying to hide my tears from you.

I'm trying my best.

I try not to have contact with you as much as possible, so you won't feel awkward.
I try to text you less and keep it short, just so you won't feel like you're wasting your time.
I try to talk less in front of you, so you won't be angry at the things that come out from my mouth.

Because I want you to be happy, and not worry about me doing this and that.
Seems like you're doing a good job.

But it's not so easy over here.
I'm way over my limit long ago.
Who knows what will happen?

I hope this will all be over soon.

I, so much,
want to embrace you.

I really want to let you know, I miss you so much.
And I do, still love you so.

Anything you want me to do, I'll do it.

I'll do anything, just for you to come back.

No point blogging.

But, this is the only place where it's safe for me.
My sanctuary of thoughts.
Nobody agrees with these thoughts, or supports it.

I've no choice but to put them here.

No matter how hard I try to ignore it.
No matter how painful it is to forget it.
No matter how crazy it is to pretend.

It always gets me, in some way or another.

I don't get it.
How much people can do for love.
And how painful love can treat you back.

Yet, I'm doing everything to get love back.

What is wrong with humans?

And I thought Christmas is a place to be,
more than hanging up the Christmas tree.

But my Christmas is not all that great.
If I can choose, the greatest gift is still, you.

I was once your dream.
Then the nightmares came.

Now the nightmares are gone, and took you with them.
I'm left all alone, with nothing but a dream.

I miss you so much.
And I still cry for you all night.

But I can't tell you all these,
so you'll think I'm already over you.

I just hope I can be less of your worries.
And let you embrace your other half.

Who knows the future, who knows, who knows?

Love is never a waste.

People around me are always talking about me wasting my time and it's not worth it. They are probably not talking about unconditional love, and had probably never experienced it. The sad thing is that this kind of thinking is quite common, and generally encouraged. People think it’s “smart” to focus on what they can “get out of” a relationship, and if they aren’t “getting enough” then it’s a waste of time.

I never thought it was a waste of time loving you, then and now.

I'm sorry I've never given you unconditional love, because it's basically impossible.
I'm imperfect. You are too.

But I've never met someone who fit into all my conditions and take it hard as much as you did.
Nor seen another girl besides family, cried so hard for me, got angry at me, all because of that thing called love.

Because of that thing called love, I became overly-protective.
Fear and trust.

I put myself in your shoes too.
If someone was always worried about you and always judging every little thing you do, and panicking over seemingly tiny thing.
Would you want to spend more time with them or less?

That's the case with me.
But a pity that my love only goes one way, of course there is fear and little trust.
And I kept doing it again and again until one day finally it snaps me.

I am trying to let you go now. Hurt is immense yes, but what else is there for me?
I only have this thinking to keep me going on, thinking that, one magic day, you'll come back for me.

I'll wait, and wait.

I'm so sorry.
And yes, I'll always love you, always be there, and appear, whenever you need me.

I am the most useless, son-of-a-bitch, asshole motherfucker.
I'm a jerk and I suck.

That's the problem with me.

What is wrong with me!

Smack wide awake even after a long night.
Fast beating heart, heavy panting.

Here I am thinking, why haven't you reply to me yet?

Everyday I grief about what I've lost.
You are within reach, but I can never get you back.

Thinking of how happy you are with your new guy, doesn't make me happy at all.
It just lets me think that all hope is lost and I have no more reason to go on.

Pain and suffering to the heart.

Oh how unbearable.

Things you will never understand, how a man, loves his woman so deep.

I miss you, but I can't call you.
I miss you, but I can't see you.

I know you still care, but I just want you back.

I tried to leave, but what will happen if I leave you behind?
I can't do it.

I will never want to see those eyes of yours, tear again.

Chaos happening all around me. Yet I can do nothing, but crash and burn at your feet.

Baby turn off that frown.

Wipe off your face.

You know I'm weak to it.

I just want to be close to you.

There was a boy, a very strange enchanted boy.

They say he wandered very far, very far, over land and sea.
A little shy and sad of eye, but very wise was he.
And then one day, one magic day he came my way
And while we spoke of many things, fools and kings

This he said to me: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return"

Aimlessly walking around again.

What more can I do?

I need to get my mind off you.

Why am I trembling?

What is this fear I'm having?

Fear of losing you, forever, and ever.

4:00 AM is way too early.

I slept again with the lights turned on.

This routine's been going on for too long.

I feel lost and it's all my fault.

I feel lonely, wanna call you up.

Knowing all this has got to stop.

I'm disturbed and I refused to see.

I still can't accept it.

Help.

When you lift someone up,

don't just immediately slam him down.

The hurt will eventually cause sadness, and then anger.

Picture you holding a balloon, floating up slowly.

But what you did was to yank the string so I dashed straight down again.

Hit the floor, and burst.

The moment I see it, it goes back to square one.

I was happy, but now it's like a 10 metre-high plunge.

Totally disastrous to my mood.

And you don't have time for me to stop me from thinking.

Thanks for making my day.

And making me go on.

For you I will walk the ends.

For you I will wait till the end of time.

When sadness was the sea, you taught me how to swim.

But I never see the end of the vast expanse of the sea.

How long more can I stay, swimming?

The only time when I can see you during the weekends is through the bus ride home.

And you reject, reject, and reject.

Do you have any idea how really tiring it has been for me through the weekends?

And the only salvation is just to see you?

What do you understand?

You say you will help, from what I'm seeing, no.

No. No. No.

You are not.

When I say that you are always on my mind, I do not just say it as a passing remark.

Literally, the moment I just woke up, your face pops right up into my mind.

When I'm walking, the thought of holding your hands, just comes up.

When I'm sitting down, embracing you is what I'm really thinking about.

When I'm eating, the moments when we share our food and tease each other's mouths.

When I'm watching a movie alone in the theatres, how fun it is for us to laugh together if you're beside me, then we kiss each other's lips, and just smile.

When I'm hanging out with friends, all I can think of is, I wish you are here, to be with me, talk with my friends and let me show off our love, deep and strong to our jealous friends.

When I'm sad and sitting alone, oh how i really wish for you to be here, give me a rub on the back, and kiss my forehead, saying everything is ok, I'm here now.

When I'm sick, I was wondering if you would call and ask if I'm okay, and head over to my place to put wet cloth over my head and feed me my pills.

When I'm lying on my bed, I just want to embrace the moment of us ending the day together, and let you lie on my chest, and I'll run my fingers through your hair when you sleep.

Now I'm all alone, suffering this pain so strong.

All these happy memories became the nightmares of my life.

I don't really believe in your power, god.

But if you would show me, the way out of this mess, if you love everyone just as much like what people said.

Please, save me from this.

What's a better way to face it?

I've tried everything. Nothing works.

Why do I have a mentality like a girl's?

Why can't I just be like a jerk and forget everything in one night?

It just keeps getting worse and worse every damn time.

To make it a disaster, the holidays are coming.

I won't be seeing you.

Looking at the eclipse of the moon,

hoping to see the clear dark sky with you.

But it's impossible, is it?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Help me, please.

Either my brain is really thinking a bit too much.

Or my body can't take it.

Either way, I think I'm dying soon.

Every night i cry and longed for you, hoping you would hear my cries.

Like a lone wolf howling at the moon.

The moment we parted ways,

hurt starts to find it's way back into my heart.

I'm totally powerless without you.

Now it came to the point where I'm all alone now.

No support, no strings, no safety.

Just a wrong step and I'm dead.

As I lie on the bed, while waiting for your text.

Tears simply rolled down my cheeks, again.

Sometimes it pains me so much, which makes me feel like leaving everything behind and giving up.

But you told me you still need me, to be your pillar.

I wonder how long will it take for your pillar to crumble?

Yes.

I feel me dying and crashing in to a pit of the worst sufferings that the heart can take.

Which means you are probably gonna be okay and better.

That's instinct.

I want to stop feeling like this.

I want to feel normal like everyone else.

Nothing seems to interest me, seems to keep me up.

It just keeps getting worse, and worse.

When will I finally..

Everything will eventually go well for you.

Tomorrow will always be a better day.

Not for me.

Those 30 minutes when you left me alone.

Felt like an eternity of heartaches until you came back.

As tears engulfed my eyes.
All I thought was leaving for your happiness.

I scream out, crying.
Because it means I'm giving up my love, which is the only thing keeping me going.

You don't want to tell me, because you're afraid of hurting me further.
But I know, the source of your problems, is me.

I'm not okay.
Having to bring a smile up my face, is really hard.
I could do it when you're around me, naturally.

But sometimes, I do it because you won't be sad.

I am the one eagerly waiting, eagerly beside,
and eagerly standing by.

But I am not the one you wish to see.

What the hell is wrong with me?
What the fuck am I trying to do?

What was I thinking?
Totally no mood for anything now.

Millions of things on my mind.
If I manage to type all my thoughts here,
blogger would crash.

I'm not angry at you,
I'm angry at myself for stooping down to such level,
To deceive myself, to deceive my brain.

So that I won't feel that much hurt.

My tears roll down over the simplest of things.
From your raised voice, down to writing a goodnight message.

How weak can a man be due to love?

Sometimes I really wish you would find me and comfort my heart.
But that's too much to ask for.

Who can give me the strength to carry on?

Silly girl,
how can i stay strong knowing that my love is in another guy's hand?

I have no idea if I'm jealous, envious, or angry.
Maybe all of them.

Everything you do, I don't know why,
even the silliest of things, are so attractive.

Fuck.

You'll never understand my sorrow.
Like how the day doesn't understand the night.
Like how the blazing sun doesn't understand the imperfect moon.

Do you treat my worries as something invalid, unimportant and uncalled for?

Let's say.

You still have total control of my life.
You can play me like a puppet,
Hurt me like a voodoo,
Decorate me as a blythe,
String me like a marionette
Or throw me away like an unused toy.

I still won't forget, the day when we first met.
And how we progressed till this.

Somewhere out there, you're having fun.
Somewhere out there, you're experiencing love.
Somewhere out there, you're living it.

Over here, I'm waiting.

Movies and magazines,
Filling our heads with dreams.
Love is the littlest things.
Love changes everything.

I'm working my way back to you.
With a burning love inside.
With a happiness, that died.

When you were so in love with me
I played around like I was free
Thought I could have my cake and eat it too
Oh how I cried over losing you.

But I ain't about to go living my life without you.

Love is truely powerful.
It brought me to my knees.
It makes my eyes drained of tears.
It manipulated my thoughts.
It stabs my heart, repeatingly telling me, I am wrong.

Why I still chose love, I have no idea why.
Maybe I'm just so stupid.

In my theatre, you play every part.

The mermaid,
The dreamweaver,
The poet,
The artist,
The princess,
Everything.

Even the trees.
Because, you, are my world.

You are my life, my heart, my strength.
When you're gone, who's there for me?

You were the reason for our conversation.
Now that you are gone, its no longer valid.

That's why, don't just ignore me.
It may seem nothing to you,
to me it is everything.

While pricks eject themselves from my heart,
bigger stabs go through them.

Leaving me bleeding out.

When we're talking, I try to talk a lot, to keep you entertained, to keep you talking.
To keep you smiling, to let you know someone else still cares.

But when our conversation ends, it just goes back to square one.

Intensity is engulfing the whole me.
Let me be there for you.

I'll stand by you.
I'll follow you everywhere you want me to.
If you ask me to stop, I'll stop.
If you ask me to stay, I'll stay.
If you need me there, I'll be there.

If only you feel the same.

No idea what happened.
I just feel all these sadness early in the morning.

First time, after so many years.
I cried to dad. I cried about my problems.
I cried about everything.

I'm just a fragment of memory of your past life.
But to me, you ARE my life.

That's why it's hard, and it hurts.

Everything I see, doesn't appeal to me, totally.
The only thing is you.
Yet I see someone else holding your heart.

I try to man up,
I try to accept,
I try to go along,
I try to forget.

I can't. I tried.

You really don't know how I feel, do you?
Same here, all I know is, you're the one keeping me going,
Keeping me happy,
Keeping me who I am.

Everytime I look at our ring.
I remember the times when we first started.